Ah... Stress

Seriously. So many difficult decisions lately. I can only make my best guess at what I should do and then let the Lord take care of the rest. Its amazing how often I feel his hand in my life. I had been praying and praying about a difficult decision and felt nothing. Honestly I was kinda bummed. But after I made my decision I just felt so good about it I knew that he was trying to teach me a lesson. That I need to make my decision first and then look to him to see if its what I should do. 

I feel good about this decision so I do hope everything turns out alright. For the time being, things are going to be kind of tough. I just have to get through the tough awkward stuff so I can get on with the good stuff.

I don't say enough, I don't do as much as I should. I always find myself lacking in what I should be. I hope Heavenly Father's hand is guiding me to place where I can do better. Because I want to do better. 

One of my favorite church songs right now is called "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee"

I love it so much, its a beautiful song. Listen to it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irX0E4-mc9U&list=PLE7BCB49E054AA9C9&index=8

My favorite part of it is at about 3:25 

"If thine afflictions seem at times too great to bear, I know thine every thought and every care. And though the very jaws of hell gape after thee, I am with thee. "

Every time I hear this I cry. Its my cry button. I'm not sure why. Maybe because at this time in my life I so often feel like I'm on the edge and falling backgrounds. That there is literally jaws gaping behind me just waiting for me to stumble. 

Its been a tough time lately... or at least the last couple of years... or my whole life. I'm not really sure. 

Realizations

Has a couple of realizations today. I was talking to a friend about my problems at work. I have a hard time getting along with my boss and it's really been getting to me. I've had trouble eating, had nightmares, and just generally been pretty stressed out. I've been terrified to make a mistake at work because I'm afraid I will get yelled at more and it already happens so often just because of little mistakes! I kept asking myself how someone can get to be in a supervisor position when they treat their employees like that. I kept feeling like a failure because it seems like I just kept messing up and he didn't approve of me or my work and it was all just pretty horrible. But I had some wise advice given to me by my friend:


1: Perhaps my boss just thinks I can take it because when I do get yelled out I always keep my cool and act professionally.
2: Bosses are critical of their employees when the know they are capable of more. Perhaps the reason I feel like my boss has been singling me out and being so hard on me is because I have more potential. Bosses push the people who can do more.

Of course then again my boss could just be a jerk. But I'm gonna be optimistic and just hope that it is one of the above reasons.

I'm quitting so it doesn't really matter anyways. But I want to remember this advice in the future.

And more please.

What do you do when you read/watch something and you just want so badly to have an adventure like that?

I mean it. really. What are you supposed to do? You're sitting here all inspired and ready to make waves in the world. So much potential energy. And then you just let it all go because you don't know how to find what it is you're looking for. How do we find adventures of epic proportions?

I mean, come on, I have a very vivid imagination and it serves me well but sometimes you just need to get out THERE and make it happen. Things don't always look the same in the real world.

I sit here and try to tell myself that we live for the small little everyday adventures. That we have to see the good in every day. But it's not working!

Now I've seen what's out there and how wonderful it is. All I want to do is go back to it. And more.

So here is my formula for adventure:

1. Good people/friends
2. A new environment
3. An open mind
4. Leave your safety net behind

I think that the most important aspects of an adventure to remember are that you can't feel comfortable and still have an adventure. I believe the two are mutually exclusive. So many people are used to their life of conformity, comfort. Security is monotonous. Step away from the conventional life.

Find it. As much as we wish it would happen, Gandolf is not going to come knocking at our door, begging our pardon as he sweeps us off to adventure.

Remember, the world is on your side. And that it is the unknown that draws us.

And most importantly, NO BOYS ALLOWED...

 Haha jk. They can come.

This thing we call the Human Experience

I guess I've been thinking a lot about what is really important in life. Recently I watched a documentary called The Human Experience, about a boy who decided he really wanted to seize the human perspective. He spent time living as a homeless person in the streets of New York. He worked as a volunteer in a South American children's home. He visited with people in a Ghanaian leper colony. It just made me wonder, what is this thing that we do? This life that we live? Is it survival or is it living? Do we find wisdom in our daily life? Can we see God's hand in everything we do? But maybe questions are not important. A wise person knows that they don't all need to be answered. To experience wonder is the greatest joy of all. They say that suffering is a journey deeper into the heart of life. 


 Pleasure is fleeing. Our next meal won't last us very long. Our next relationship probably won't work out. Even though we sleep every night, we still never have enough. And we never will. The Human Experience is knowledge. Not sex, not a good meal, not a first kiss, not a long nap, not a pay raise, not a new pair of shoes. It is perspective. There are some things that are universal to all humans. Find those things. Because for the person who wants to live, it won't matter how painful it is. Risk and fear become small parts of the mind, overshadowed by a more enduring feeling. Hope. Purpose. Everyone needs to know that they have some small and unique contribution to the world. It's the idea that  "Just like playing music, each of us has our musical note that we have to play. And if you know that's your note, then no one can play that music. The whole composition is waiting for you to play your note."  

Our Search for Happiness

But pleasures are like poppies spread:

You seize the flow’r, its bloom is shed;

Or like the snow falls in the river,

A moment white—then melts for ever;

Or like the borealis race,

That flit ere you can point their place;

Or like the rainbow’s lovely form

Evanishing amid the storm.

(“Tam o’ Shanter,” in The Complete Poetical Works of Robert Burns [1897], 91, lines 59–66)

Pleasure never was happiness. 

The problem is that too many of us try to consume happiness rather than generate it. Shakespeare expressed a philosophy inAs You Like It that seems commendable:

 “I am a true labourer: I earn that I eat, get that I wear; owe no man hate, envy no man’s happiness; glad of other men’s good” (act 3, scene 2, lines 65–67).

Another poet said:

Success is speaking words of praise,

In cheering other people’s ways,

In doing just the best you can

With every task and every plan.

It’s silence when your speech would hurt,

Politeness when your neighbor’s curt.

It’s deafness when the scandal flows

And sympathy with others’ woes.

It’s loyalty when duty calls.

It’s courage when disaster falls.

It’s patience when the hours are long.

It’s found in laughter and in song.

It’s in the silent time of prayer,

In happiness and in despair.

In all of life and nothing less,

We find the thing we call success.

Through every trial you should be proud God had the confidence that you could do this. Happiness does not stem from the solution to a problem, but from the personal development we go through. Hardships breeds perspective. Opposition breeds esteem. Instead of saying "Why me?" Say "Thank you" instead.

100 things you didn't know about me :)

1. I have very ugly feet. They are all scared up from years of dancing on them. (Pointe shoes are never easy on the feet.) I used to dance so much that I left blood trails wherever I walked around the house.
2. All growing up people always accidently broke my glasses. I had to wear them all taped up like Harry Potter. These happened in a variety of ways. Once a boy punched me in the face when he got in a fight with another boy. Another boy hit me in the face with a lunch box when he was trying to throw it to me. Another time my friend hit me in the face with a pool noodle during P.E. A dog chewed them up once. Bad luck. I hate glasses.
3. I love infectious diseases. I want to study them.
4. I am super squeamish. So much for working with infectious diseases.
5. I can't stand bad smells. I'm no clean freak except for when it comes to things that smell bad. Clutter is fine.
6. I love lists. I constantly have them all around me. My hands always have quick lists written on them.
7. I hate doing dishes. They smell bad. (Refer to number 5)
8. I hate clothes. I don't like wearing clothes. If I had a choice I probably wouldn't wear them.
9. I want another excuse to wear my prom dress. It is so beautiful. It should be worn more than once.
10. I have people in my life that I admire and look up to. Not very many, but there are a few.
11. I wish I was better at crafts. I intend to get better.
12. I pray all the time. I never forget to say a prayer. But I have a really hard time remembering to read my scriptures. This is strange because I love to read!
13. Since I was about 2, I have never not been in the middle of reading a book. I read constantly, although through college it has been more difficult to do so. As a kid I would read all day, and finish a book a day. I was best friends with my librarian. I would even read at the table as I ate.
14. I have worked in a school library as a TA. Twice. Once in 8th grade and once in 12th. Best job of my life.
15. I never napped as a kid. I would do everything I could to avoid it. I would usually pass out around dinner time and sleep in my food. Ask my mother for pictures.
16. When I was a kid I told my friends they couldn't play with me if they didn't wear pink dresses. So we all wore pink dresses.
17. I have very bad hearing. This leads to very comedic results at times.
18. I love to be barefoot.
19. Fall, winter, spring, and summer is my favorite season.
20. I lover garage sales and thrift shops. And bargain shopping. And coupons :)
21. I love to write poetry, although I may not be good at it.
22. I love to read poetry. I find it very inspiring.
23. For fun I read the news. Usually the justice section because I like to read about crimes. Weird, I know :)
24. I'm really into feather hair extensions.
25. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I was born in the wrong decade.
26. I'm currently on a fruit and veggie diet. Nothing but fruit and veggies for 10 days! It's hard :(
27. I really like food. I wish I was a better cook.
28. I may be a horrible cook, but I am excellent at cleaning.
29. I have just started my own dance crew.
30. I have been a cheerleading coach.
31. I really really really like cats. I fully expect to start my own farm when I grow up.
32. I am a hoarder and a pack rat. I have to keep everything. I think that everything has sentimental value. I still have wrapping paper from my 9th birthday party. I have no idea what the present was, I'm sure I still have that too, but I know I kept and have the wrapping paper.
33. I have never seen an R rated movie. I'm trying to make it stay that way.
34. I prefer to drive scooters to cars. Cuter and way more fun.
35. I'm terrified of heights. Even working on the 4th floor of my building scares me.
36. I'm also scared of spiders. Once I was home alone and had to get one of my neighbors to come and kill a spider in the bathtub for me. Luckily we were friends :)
37. I hate to travel, but I love to see new places! I just hate the actual traveling part (riding in cars for hours.)
38. I go through phases where I am obsessed with certain things. I always have. I have a very addictive personality. Even when I was a year old, my grandparents would come over and I wouldn't talk to them till Aladdin was over. And then I watched it over and over again.
39. I'm working hard to quit worrying about my problems so much, and start worrying about helping others instead.
40.I hated disneyland, but I loved seaworld!
42. I used to be a pretty good painter and sketcher, but I stopped practicing so I'm not good anymore. Same goes for piano.
43. Sometimes I can't be around boys because I think they smell bad and I can't handle it.
44. I collect giant microbes! Cutest things ever! Look them up here: http://www.giantmicrobes.com/us/main/giantmicrobes-originals/
45. My favorite food in the whole world is ramen noodles :)
46. Someday I want to own my own library. And zoo.
47. Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I do something hard just to know that I can and it brings my spirits up again.
48. I hate to drive slow.
49. I have a certain pillow that whenever I sleep on it, I have nightmares. Evil pillow. Why don't I get rid of it? Please refer to #32.
50. I love gardens, but I have a black thumb and can't keep anything alive!
51. I love to study old medicine.
52. My first night after I was taken home from the hospital, I slept in a box because my parents didn't have a bed yet.
53. I love henna tattoos.
54. I'm no good with fashion. It takes everything I have just to look presentable.
55. When I was a kid I really thought I could fly. And if you told me otherwise I got really really angry cause I knew I could.
56. I don't have good dreams. I only have nightmares.
57. I hate dinosaurs. Which is another way of saying I'm scared of them.
58. I have the best family :)
59. I can only eat with plastic utensils because the sound and feel of teeth scraping on silverware makes me want to vomit. I can't hear other people do it either. It makes my brain itch.
60. I love to study the stars. I really want a telescope.
61. I love anklets.
62. I would love to be a gypsy, or an acrobat in a traveling circus.
63. My favorite Disney movie has always been The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
64. I have trouble swallowing and can't eat a lot of things. Pizza and oranges in particular are very hard to eat.
65. I like the smell of the air-conditioner in the car in the summer. It kicks the dust up and for some reason that is my favorite smell in the whole world.
66. I love music. And I love dancing. I love to choreograph dances.
67. Sometimes I get the urge to do something crazy dangerous. But then I don't cause I realize it's a really stupid idea.
68. I wish I could tan, but I just burn.
69. I love being a redhead.
70. I think... like so much! I am always thinking! Haha
71. I am passionate about so many things. But I think this drives me to accomplish so many things.
72. I get alone with everyone.
73. I actually really hate texting. I believe in real communication.
74. I feel like good things are ahead. And I am so excited for them.
75. I have way more makeup than any person really should.
76. I have the best parents in the world.
77. My mom usually has to pack for me when we go on trips. My idea of packing is 7 books and a few pairs of underwear.
78. I really want to learn how to pole dance. Not because I want to be a stripper or anything, but because real pole dancing takes so much strength and control. Look it up, it is truly amazing.
79. I think I'm afraid of being alone.
80. I have always worried about everything. It is only recently that I started trusting God with everything. Life is so much easier now.
81. I don't have a sweet tooth. If anything I have a salty tooth. I love salty, spicy, and full-flavored foods!
82. The swings are my favorite thing on the playground.
83. One day I want to live on a houseboat.
84. I have a thing for nerdy boys.
85. I'm kind of a homebody.
86. I love things that are whimsical.
87. I love beautiful places. Even just looking at pictures of rooms or scenery :)
88. Most people don't understand my sense of humor. It is very dry.
89. I always wish when I see that is 11:11. I'm actually pretty superstitious. I also always keep pennies that I find that are heads up. They are good luck :)
90. I have the worst spelling.
91. I have wanderlust. Look it up if you like.
92. I know that the sky is not my limit.
93. I can't ever remember how to use the laundry machine.
94. I'm definitely the wifey type :)
95. I never want to live a normal life. Sometimes I worry that the type of life I wish to live is only available in my daydreams.
96. I sometimes have jealousy issues. But I'm working on it :)
97. I love children.
98. I wish I could make more time to do the things that I love.
99. Politics frustrate me. No one is every right. No one can ever win.
100. I have come so far.

Everyone has a weakness.

but I have two.
Everything you say,
and everything you do.                                

                             Hey self,

                                                                                       You deserve better.